Oh....what could have become of me?

So after this latest entry I thought it might be a good idea to start an anonymous blog so I could vent all of my frustrations and annoyances and mean things I had to say about myself, other people, places, and circumstances. See....I want this (as in Testosterone Overload) blog to be happy and, like I said before, I try to look for positive things to write about so that I am focusing on the good things is life but sometimes I just want to vent. I had a few ideas. Maybe I would just have a blog where I could write but no one would have access to it (what would be the point?....I know). Maybe I could just invite a few people (whom of course I would not write about) to view it.....and maybe i would just invite the whole world to be a part of my negative word vomit (for venting sake only, of course).

I set it up. I even spent quite a long time thinking about what I would call it and how I would run it, etc. But......I just couldn't do it. I never posted one entry. Not that I wouldn't have things to say. Ohhhhh, I could come up with plenty to say, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how bad of an idea it would be for me (I could get soooooo carried away). I was afraid it would poison my soul. Over and over I thought to myself, "It will poison your soul....don't do it." So, who knows whether or not I am just crazy and have voices in my head or whether or not it was the Lord trying to warn me of the consequences of such actions. Either way, I deleted the blank blog this morning. It was a hard thing to give it up but.....I did it.

So what does that have to do with you, you are asking? Well, I may, every once and a while, have to post a gripe or an annoyance just to get it out of my system but all-in-all I hope to keep this as nice and happy as possible. Deal.....okay, Deal. Let's shake on it.

WARNING>>>>>RANTING AND RAVING AHEAD!

So I had a few minutes today and thought I would spit out some things that are eating away at me right now. I normally try to keep my blog up tempo and peppy and try to look for things that are positive to write about so.....if you are looking for something uplifting to read today, you may want to rethink reading this entry. Now, normally I do not bear all for the world to read but today you will be given an insight into some of my major flaws and insecurities.

Disclaimer: This entry is personal and in no way do I mean to offend anyone.

#1 I am getting fat. At least I feel like it. In a matter of months I have gone from feeling really in shape to super flabby. I am talking cottage cheese, upper thigh/ bottom blending, love handles.....the works (except that miraculously I have shrunken considerably on top, after weening the baby, of course). In all reality I am only up three pounds from my long running goal weight (the weight I ALWAYS come back to after each baby),(actually I am technically up 8 lbs from Christmas time but I was borderline starving myself then to try to loose weight so that doesn't count. I am looking to keep myself at a "healthy weight" not a sickly one). I have worked hard after 4 pregnancies to get back down to my goal weight and stay there. I have started off each of my last three pregnancies at this said goal weight and even managed to stay there until the first weigh-in at 10 weeks. I'm afraid that next time I wont be so lucky and it is REALLY ticking me off.

So last night I had a conversation with Rob that went like this:

Me: "I don't understand what is going on. I spend almost 8 hours in the gym a week and I'm still getting fat." "I don't think I eat any differently now than I have after the other kids so what the heck is going on?"

Rob (after several moments of silence): "Well, you do snack a lot more than you used to."

Me: "Um.....when?"

Rob: "Well....mostly at night."

Now, if there is one thing Rob has learned in our six years of marriage is that he is to NEVER agree with me when I make comments like this and to tell you the truth.....I was in complete shock. He normally just smiles at me or says "I don't know what you are talking about, you look fine." To which I usually respond (and, on occasion, warn him that he is about to be backed into a corner), "Fine, I look fine. I don't want to look fine. I want to look good." You can imagine at this point he turns the corner and run. But......it has been a long time....if ever, that he has actually agreed with me. (Later he told me that he only said it because I never seem to be satisfied with the answers he gives me....surprise, surprise.....I'll admit to that.......... so he just wanted to try a new tactic......Well, news flash Rob, stick to the old method....it will get you in a lot less trouble).

A million thoughts were going through my head at this point, some of which included:

"Excuse me....what the crap did you just say to me"

"If he's noticing enough to say something then it must really be bad. I AM A FATTY"

"How the heck would you know what my usual night time habits are. You worked swing shift and graveyards for three years. Then you started a normal job, I had the baby, and began starving myself to drop the weight so what the heck are you talking about, you and your "snacking more at night."

For some strange reason, I didn't bite his head off this time. Instead I could only think about what food was in the cupboard so I could drown my sorrows.

Now, to those of you that are mocking me for my slight weight gain you can stop now. I KNOW that I am not overweight and I KNOW that three pounds is not a big deal but I am terrified at the prospects of being overweight. I always have been and always will be and I hope, this alone, will be enough motivation to keep me above the red line....if you know what I mean.
I am not one who is blessed with "skinny jeans" (no, not the actual jeans, the DNA) and have to work really hard to maintain my weight only now I am not maintaining. I can't spend any more time exercising, my body is worn out as it is, and I suffer from a compulsive eating habit. I worry that if I don't get that under control there will be no end for the weight gain. There is hope for that, however, if I can just commit myself. I HAVE dealt successfully with compulsive behaviors before and if I really set my mind to it, I can do it again (now that is another blog story.....I bet it could be a pretty funny one too....maybe later). Any words of encouragement?

Okay, onto "things on my mind" #2

Why do I feel guilty for only spending $10 on Isaac's birthday gifts? Could it be because we went way overboard on Gabe's first birthday? Is it because, although we were able to control ourselves much better the second time around, we spent far more than $10 on Cael's first birthday? Or is it because we are currently unemployed and I feel like a complete loser because of it ("I can't even throw our child a descent birthday party.")? The answer is: D. All of the above

Then I got to thinking. (Could someone please bring me a soap box.......thanks)

First of all, Isaac is one year old and although it may be a significant milestone in a child's life.....he has NO idea what a birthday is and, I'm sure, could really care less at this point. He will have presents to open and children his age really only enjoy ripping the wrapping paper off and play with it instead of the actual gift. Secondly, Isaac doesn't need any more toys. We have more than enough and even if we did get him something, the older boys would never give him a chance to play with it, so why bother. And thirdly (this is when the real soap boxing starts), our children, in our lovely AMERICAN society are far to "bought off" for their good. We are made to think that through, and only through, the purchase and giving of "things" is there a worthy show of love. I have obviously fallen into the trap else why would I be feeling guilty about not spending $100's of dollars on a child for their birthday. I'm hoping that when his birthday does come and I see that he DOES love his presents (despite the little amount of money spent on them), I will be able to put aside my concern about not being able to "buy" my child's affection and see that he loves me just the same.

(Exit soap box)

Thirdly, sometime it bothers me that I am so sensitive to things sometimes. The Lord knew I would be (amazing that He knows just how my brain is wired), and warned me about it long ago. Now granted, I have not always heeded his warning but I am trying really hard to. What this all means is that while other are allowed to enjoy certain types of entertainment, I am very limited by what I can handle without repercussions. Consequently, I miss out on some things that others really enjoy. I guess I really shouldn't complain, because it is kind of a blessing in some ways but.........how do I explain?.......okay, for instance, I started reading these really good books. Well written, tasteful, clean, and very entertaining. So, I whizz through the first book and start the second. Now, I did have a few questions about the way the first book made me feel (aka uncontrollable mood swings) but I couldn't put it down so.......I didn't. I started the second book and found myself very depressed and very irritable but I kept going and kept going until I realized what was happening. I put the book down and the feelings went away. So.....I started, yet again, another clean, happy, joyful Christian romance novel. It's crazy. Why aren't other people affected like I am? Millions of people, many of whom I love and respect (that includes the one who lent me the books.....you know who you are), rave about these books. So why can't I like them? Why me? Why me?

I guess I am destined to read Mormon and Christian romance novels, oh and a bit of Jane Austin, for the rest of my days. Same old, same old............

Well, enough of me today. Now that these things are off my shoulder hopefully I can pick up and move on. Long gone are the thoughts of yesterday.....I will look forward to tomorrow (or something like that).

Feel free to leave comments if you are flabbergasted by my bluntness. I don't know what got into me. Thanks for letting me get it out.

Wow...that was a long one.....and without any pictures. No fun. No fun at all.

A night out and Mountain High Mudd Pie...what more could you ask for?

I had a super good time with "the girls" the other night. We went to Red Robin and I had a very tasty (mmmmm tasty....slurp. I miss you Tessa) meal of some chicken, brushetta, pesto thing with yummy fries (I love fries) and to top it all of.....Mountain High Mudd Pie. Have you ever seen anything more beautiful in your entire lives? I must say......not many things can top it.

That sucker is HUGE! From top to bottom this thing is pure yummy-ness.

It doesn't take much time for me to finish it off and don't you dare even THINK about asking to share it with me. I don't take kindly to that (I did however spend more than 7 hours in the gym that week in order to justify it's consumption and have already spent 6 hours this week, with a 6 1/2 mile run planned for tomorrow, in order to take care of the aftermath). Let me tell you.....It is soooooooo worth it.

The food was great, the company was great (I met two fantastic new girls) and after dinner Val (center), Sheena (right of center) and I went to Val's house and stayed up really late chatting and giggling like I did with my girlfriends in high school/college. Good Times.....noodle salad! (Shout out to Stephanie, Tressa, Leslie and Jessica. Why don't we ever get together?)

If you are wondering about Rob. Yes....I did and often do leave him to feed, bathe and put the children to bed on such occasions but afterwards he gets a whole night of playing the X-box without me sitting at his side trying to "girl talk" him to death. I think he is more than happy to see me go every once in a while. Thanks honey, for being so supportive. I love you for it.

Girls......until next time.........

First-ling of our Flock

I have a green thumb. I know that most of you haven't ever seen it but ...... obviously it is there.


I planted my very first garden this year and look at it. There is nothing more exciting than checking on my "babies" every morning to see what kind of progress they are making.
I planted green beans, cucumber, and sunflowers from seed, green peppers, squash, zucchini, watermelon, a pumpkin plant (Gabe actually planted it on his last day of pre-school) and a tomato plant all from starts (I cheated a little because I got it in so late).


Here is the first-ling of our flock.

It was so exciting to cut it free from it's nurturing mother plant and into my hands. I carried it lovingly inside and washed it and took pictures of it (one would almost think that I cherished it as much as I would one of my own children....except that I cooked it up and ate it for dinner. I would NEVER do that to one of my own kids).

It was sooooo yummy. We can't wait for the rest of our garden to start producing (we have about 10 squash in various stages of growth.....Anyone want some squash?). Mom, I may just have to get Leslie's recipe for that super tasty veggie casserole she brought to the picnic on the 4th. Give her a heads up!

A girl named "Hot Chocolate"

As stressful as life has been lately, we have still found a few, yes...actually a few minutes, of pure joy and laughter. Today dawned cloudy and cool, which was such a nice break from the hot weather we have been having. I don't know about y'all but in our house cool weather means one thing.......break out the HOT CHOCOLATE!
As we prepared for FHE tonight (we are having it tonight because we missed it yesterday) we started talking about our FHE treat (grape popsicles....which actually would have been perfect yesterday because it was nice and HOT....oh well). The conversation went as follows:

Me: "Maybe we should have hot chocolate instead. It is too cold for popsicles."

Gabe: "MMMMmmmmmm. I LOVE HOT CHOCOLATE."

Rob: "Then why don't you marry it?" (really mature of Rob.....I know......he is SO mature)

Gabe: "NO!......We can't marry hot chocolate, Dad. You are just being silly."

Rob (under his breath directed to me): "Watch....he's is going to find some girl named "HOT CHOCOLATE and marry her."

For a second I laughed at his joke but then it hit me.......and it seemed to hit Rob at the same time because he looked up at me with a slightly alarmed look just as I said,

"Man, if Gabe brings home a girl named "HOT CHOCOLATE" we are likely to have a huge problem on our hands."

We had a good long laugh about that.