So I had a few minutes today and thought I would spit out some things that are eating away at me right now. I normally try to keep my blog up tempo and peppy and try to look for things that are positive to write about so.....if you are looking for something uplifting to read today, you may want to rethink reading this entry. Now, normally I do not bear all for the world to read but today you will be given an insight into some of my major flaws and insecurities.
Disclaimer: This entry is personal and in no way do I mean to offend anyone.
#1 I am getting fat. At least I feel like it. In a matter of months I have gone from feeling really in shape to super flabby. I am talking cottage cheese, upper thigh/ bottom blending, love handles.....the works (except that miraculously I have shrunken considerably on top, after weening the baby, of course). In all reality I am only up three pounds from my long running goal weight (the weight I ALWAYS come back to after each baby),(actually I am technically up 8 lbs from Christmas time but I was borderline starving myself then to try to loose weight so that doesn't count. I am looking to keep myself at a "healthy weight" not a sickly one). I have worked hard after 4 pregnancies to get back down to my goal weight and stay there. I have started off each of my last three pregnancies at this said goal weight and even managed to stay there until the first weigh-in at 10 weeks. I'm afraid that next time I wont be so lucky and it is REALLY ticking me off.
So last night I had a conversation with Rob that went like this:
Me: "I don't understand what is going on. I spend almost 8 hours in the gym a week and I'm still getting fat." "I don't think I eat any differently now than I have after the other kids so what the heck is going on?"
Rob (after several moments of silence): "Well, you do snack a lot more than you used to."
Me: "Um.....when?"
Rob: "Well....mostly at night."
Now, if there is one thing Rob has learned in our six years of marriage is that he is to NEVER agree with me when I make comments like this and to tell you the truth.....I was in complete shock. He normally just smiles at me or says "I don't know what you are talking about, you look fine." To which I usually respond (and, on occasion, warn him that he is about to be backed into a corner), "Fine, I look fine. I don't want to look fine. I want to look good." You can imagine at this point he turns the corner and run. But......it has been a long time....if ever, that he has actually agreed with me. (Later he told me that he only said it because I never seem to be satisfied with the answers he gives me....surprise, surprise.....I'll admit to that.......... so he just wanted to try a new tactic......Well, news flash Rob, stick to the old method....it will get you in a lot less trouble).
A million thoughts were going through my head at this point, some of which included:
"Excuse me....what the crap did you just say to me"
"If he's noticing enough to say something then it must really be bad. I AM A FATTY"
"How the heck would you know what my usual night time habits are. You worked swing shift and graveyards for three years. Then you started a normal job, I had the baby, and began starving myself to drop the weight so what the heck are you talking about, you and your "snacking more at night."
For some strange reason, I didn't bite his head off this time. Instead I could only think about what food was in the cupboard so I could drown my sorrows.
Now, to those of you that are mocking me for my slight weight gain you can stop now. I KNOW that I am not overweight and I KNOW that three pounds is not a big deal but I am terrified at the prospects of being overweight. I always have been and always will be and I hope, this alone, will be enough motivation to keep me above the red line....if you know what I mean.
I am not one who is blessed with "skinny jeans" (no, not the actual jeans, the DNA) and have to work really hard to maintain my weight only now I am not maintaining. I can't spend any more time exercising, my body is worn out as it is, and I suffer from a compulsive eating habit. I worry that if I don't get that under control there will be no end for the weight gain. There is hope for that, however, if I can just commit myself. I HAVE dealt successfully with compulsive behaviors before and if I really set my mind to it, I can do it again (now that is another blog story.....I bet it could be a pretty funny one too....maybe later). Any words of encouragement?
Okay, onto "things on my mind" #2
Why do I feel guilty for only spending $10 on Isaac's birthday gifts? Could it be because we went way overboard on Gabe's first birthday? Is it because, although we were able to control ourselves much better the second time around, we spent far more than $10 on Cael's first birthday? Or is it because we are currently unemployed and I feel like a complete loser because of it ("I can't even throw our child a descent birthday party.")? The answer is: D. All of the above
Then I got to thinking. (Could someone please bring me a soap box.......thanks)
First of all, Isaac is one year old and although it may be a significant milestone in a child's life.....he has NO idea what a birthday is and, I'm sure, could really care less at this point. He will have presents to open and children his age really only enjoy ripping the wrapping paper off and play with it instead of the actual gift. Secondly, Isaac doesn't need any more toys. We have more than enough and even if we did get him something, the older boys would never give him a chance to play with it, so why bother. And thirdly (this is when the real soap boxing starts), our children, in our lovely AMERICAN society are far to "bought off" for their good. We are made to think that through, and only through, the purchase and giving of "things" is there a worthy show of love. I have obviously fallen into the trap else why would I be feeling guilty about not spending $100's of dollars on a child for their birthday. I'm hoping that when his birthday does come and I see that he DOES love his presents (despite the little amount of money spent on them), I will be able to put aside my concern about not being able to "buy" my child's affection and see that he loves me just the same.
(Exit soap box)
Thirdly, sometime it bothers me that I am so sensitive to things sometimes. The Lord knew I would be (amazing that He knows just how my brain is wired), and warned me about it long ago. Now granted, I have not always heeded his warning but I am trying really hard to. What this all means is that while other are allowed to enjoy certain types of entertainment, I am very limited by what I can handle without repercussions. Consequently, I miss out on some things that others really enjoy. I guess I really shouldn't complain, because it is kind of a blessing in some ways but.........how do I explain?.......okay, for instance, I started reading these really good books. Well written, tasteful, clean, and very entertaining. So, I whizz through the first book and start the second. Now, I did have a few questions about the way the first book made me feel (aka uncontrollable mood swings) but I couldn't put it down so.......I didn't. I started the second book and found myself very depressed and very irritable but I kept going and kept going until I realized what was happening. I put the book down and the feelings went away. So.....I started, yet again, another clean, happy, joyful Christian romance novel. It's crazy. Why aren't other people affected like I am? Millions of people, many of whom I love and respect (that includes the one who lent me the books.....you know who you are), rave about these books. So why can't I like them? Why me? Why me?
I guess I am destined to read Mormon and Christian romance novels, oh and a bit of Jane Austin, for the rest of my days. Same old, same old............
Well, enough of me today. Now that these things are off my shoulder hopefully I can pick up and move on. Long gone are the thoughts of yesterday.....I will look forward to tomorrow (or something like that).
Feel free to leave comments if you are flabbergasted by my bluntness. I don't know what got into me. Thanks for letting me get it out.
Wow...that was a long one.....and without any pictures. No fun. No fun at all.
9 comments:
Hey my friend, while that was a mouthful, I think more of us have had these frantic, self-reprimanding thoughts than you think. Having been there with obsessive weight and body image issues (oh wait did I say having been there, like I am not...my bad), remember that is Satan talking. We should be healthy, but we were never meant to use our bodies to make ourselves miserable...yeah people who know me, I know, "hi pot, I am kettle". I am just saying, take a deep breath, realize all the fabulous things your body does for you, and tell the other "voices" to go take a long walk off a short plank. I am sure Spencer can sympathize with Rob, they can't win for losing. You are fabulous and if we occasionally need people to remind us that then so be it!
1. Sounds like you're an emotional eater like me (shocking, I know). The stress of no job, everything up in the air is getting to you, and once something is resolved (or if you just admit that you'd rather eat than think about it), you'll be able to get yourself back under control.
2. We spent $100 on Christmas gifts for Caden when he was three and his favorite gift was the "spaceship" that Santa left in the basement. Ryan duct-taped three cardboard boxes together. We literally gave our kid cardboard for Christmas and it was the best gift EVER.
3. I felt the same way reading the same books, you're just better than me. You have enough sense to put them down. Now give them back so I can get all obsessive again.
I do agree with Larissa.( When Satan realizes what bothers us most and what we seem to obsess over he uses that against us to keep our minds off of what really matters. Sometimes we all need to be reminded of that.I'm not saying that you are off target with the important things at all either. Don't let satan win this with you. I know people tell you look good and sometimes it doesn't change how you feel but you really do look good. We are mothers and there are things we see about ourselves that others don't. We feel flabby, so unpretty and guilty at times. Remember mothers are so important in a family and Satan wants us to feel so horrible about ourselves so it will affect our loved ones. You are such a fun, kind, energetic person. You really are! And don't feel guilty about spending ten bucks on a one year old. He doesn't know- we only spent seven. Let the boys wrap up some age appropriate presents that are in storage. We all love you Mel! (I think that was waaaay too long! Sorry
So this is actually Spencer. Larissa told me a bit about the post. I didn't read it all, but I just had to sympathize with Rob on his "my old tactics didn't seem to work, so I thought I would try something new" attempt. I just had to say that I think I have said pretty much that exact same thing a time or two. I don't think it went over very well for me, either.
Mel I love you AND your rantings! I can only imagine the little vein in your forehead about to pop as you are remembering all these things to write them down.
#1 issue - ok, I won't go there. Keep doing what your body allows you (meaning if you are drained, slow down). Stress eating...we all do it at some point. My mouth really hurts from bad dental work, so luckily I am not snacking right now...I barely want to eat. Good luck attaining your goal! I mean that!
#2 issue - We decided that while our kids were young, for their birthdays they would get a toy and a book. For Christmas, they get a big toy, a couple small stocking stuffer toys and an outfit. You are right that in this day and age, we always feel the need to go into bankruptcy to celebrate our children.
#3 issue - I would much rather be in your shoes with the sensitivity thing than be where I am. Although, I have got way more sensitive with having kids (as to what I want in my home) and have dealt with that as it happens. I still am able to swallow a bunch of crap, and I am not proud of that.
I love you just the way you are, obsessive manic behavior and all.
Melanie!
You know what is funny? I just found your site this morning, also through Julie's, and I've been reading your posts. You are so funny! As I was reading I noticed that you mentioned your blog was a family blog so I wasn't sure if it was only for certain invited members, so I was debating on writing a comment or not. I'm glad you commented on mine! This will be great to keep in touch! About the 4th...we were planning on coming and then a few days before we decided to fly out to Kentucky to visit with RuthAnn and Kenn and their family. It was a last minute trip but it was great! Sorry we missed you! It would have been fun to see you. Anyway, I think this is the longest comment I've ever made so I'll stop. :)
Hey, I know what you mean. Being tall makes you look thinner then you actually are (or feel). I am every bit as tall as you are and haven't been able to lose the baby fat from my last little guy. People get so angry with my when I say that I'm overweight and I need to lose some poundage. I am honestly overweight, just because everybody else can't see it... I can! My husband also thinks I look "fine." Nice... I look fine. I don't want to look fine! I want to look great. Of course I guess I probably would never look great if it were only my opinion. Don't be so hard on yourself! You are a busy girl with lots of stress, you'll get that pesky 3 pounds off.
I am so glad you can express yourself like that! I wish I could get my thoughts together so well. We all need to vent once in a while! I loved your other comments. I know you and I'm not worried about you ever being overweight. We all love you the way you are. Doesn't it show something great about you that you didn't bite Robs head off! I take after my mom and I have to sure work at it to get weight off so I'm right there with you. Your not alone, thats for sure. Remember, we're not old but the older we get, the harder it will be!
Hey mel, just thought I'd leave a comment or two about your items:
1) I understand the whole emotional eating thing... that and a desk-job have contributed to my 60lb weight gain over the last 5 years... and I can have good moments, but especially now that I am not running to *other* things to deal with anxieties, food seems to be a renewed drug of choice. I just try and remember the words of Mahatma K. Ghandi, "We should then eat to live, not live to eat."
2) I can't even remember what I got for my birthday last year... or in fact any year. If you don't want it documented, don't take pictures... he'll NEVER know! And (now I'm serious) chances are if later in life he looks back at it, he will smile and thank you for teaching him how to live within ones means and to be frugal and will count himself lucky to be born to such a parent.
3) I think I know somewhat of what you are feeling here. Having had to sacrifice certain forms of entertainment myself, that others seem to be able to consume harmlessly (TV, computer games, lots of music, etc....) I know what it means to give things up. The fact of the matter is, the Lord is not blind to what it means for us to give this offering on the alter of sacrifice and will definetely pour out his Spirit and blessings and will teach us other things that we can put in our life that WILL be healthy for us. I think your wise beyond years to recognize what effect that media has on you! Smart girl Mel.... even if it means hard things :)
Lova ya! Good luck :)
Andrew
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