WARNING>>>>>RANTING AND RAVING AHEAD!

So I had a few minutes today and thought I would spit out some things that are eating away at me right now. I normally try to keep my blog up tempo and peppy and try to look for things that are positive to write about so.....if you are looking for something uplifting to read today, you may want to rethink reading this entry. Now, normally I do not bear all for the world to read but today you will be given an insight into some of my major flaws and insecurities.

Disclaimer: This entry is personal and in no way do I mean to offend anyone.

#1 I am getting fat. At least I feel like it. In a matter of months I have gone from feeling really in shape to super flabby. I am talking cottage cheese, upper thigh/ bottom blending, love handles.....the works (except that miraculously I have shrunken considerably on top, after weening the baby, of course). In all reality I am only up three pounds from my long running goal weight (the weight I ALWAYS come back to after each baby),(actually I am technically up 8 lbs from Christmas time but I was borderline starving myself then to try to loose weight so that doesn't count. I am looking to keep myself at a "healthy weight" not a sickly one). I have worked hard after 4 pregnancies to get back down to my goal weight and stay there. I have started off each of my last three pregnancies at this said goal weight and even managed to stay there until the first weigh-in at 10 weeks. I'm afraid that next time I wont be so lucky and it is REALLY ticking me off.

So last night I had a conversation with Rob that went like this:

Me: "I don't understand what is going on. I spend almost 8 hours in the gym a week and I'm still getting fat." "I don't think I eat any differently now than I have after the other kids so what the heck is going on?"

Rob (after several moments of silence): "Well, you do snack a lot more than you used to."

Me: "Um.....when?"

Rob: "Well....mostly at night."

Now, if there is one thing Rob has learned in our six years of marriage is that he is to NEVER agree with me when I make comments like this and to tell you the truth.....I was in complete shock. He normally just smiles at me or says "I don't know what you are talking about, you look fine." To which I usually respond (and, on occasion, warn him that he is about to be backed into a corner), "Fine, I look fine. I don't want to look fine. I want to look good." You can imagine at this point he turns the corner and run. But......it has been a long time....if ever, that he has actually agreed with me. (Later he told me that he only said it because I never seem to be satisfied with the answers he gives me....surprise, surprise.....I'll admit to that.......... so he just wanted to try a new tactic......Well, news flash Rob, stick to the old method....it will get you in a lot less trouble).

A million thoughts were going through my head at this point, some of which included:

"Excuse me....what the crap did you just say to me"

"If he's noticing enough to say something then it must really be bad. I AM A FATTY"

"How the heck would you know what my usual night time habits are. You worked swing shift and graveyards for three years. Then you started a normal job, I had the baby, and began starving myself to drop the weight so what the heck are you talking about, you and your "snacking more at night."

For some strange reason, I didn't bite his head off this time. Instead I could only think about what food was in the cupboard so I could drown my sorrows.

Now, to those of you that are mocking me for my slight weight gain you can stop now. I KNOW that I am not overweight and I KNOW that three pounds is not a big deal but I am terrified at the prospects of being overweight. I always have been and always will be and I hope, this alone, will be enough motivation to keep me above the red line....if you know what I mean.
I am not one who is blessed with "skinny jeans" (no, not the actual jeans, the DNA) and have to work really hard to maintain my weight only now I am not maintaining. I can't spend any more time exercising, my body is worn out as it is, and I suffer from a compulsive eating habit. I worry that if I don't get that under control there will be no end for the weight gain. There is hope for that, however, if I can just commit myself. I HAVE dealt successfully with compulsive behaviors before and if I really set my mind to it, I can do it again (now that is another blog story.....I bet it could be a pretty funny one too....maybe later). Any words of encouragement?

Okay, onto "things on my mind" #2

Why do I feel guilty for only spending $10 on Isaac's birthday gifts? Could it be because we went way overboard on Gabe's first birthday? Is it because, although we were able to control ourselves much better the second time around, we spent far more than $10 on Cael's first birthday? Or is it because we are currently unemployed and I feel like a complete loser because of it ("I can't even throw our child a descent birthday party.")? The answer is: D. All of the above

Then I got to thinking. (Could someone please bring me a soap box.......thanks)

First of all, Isaac is one year old and although it may be a significant milestone in a child's life.....he has NO idea what a birthday is and, I'm sure, could really care less at this point. He will have presents to open and children his age really only enjoy ripping the wrapping paper off and play with it instead of the actual gift. Secondly, Isaac doesn't need any more toys. We have more than enough and even if we did get him something, the older boys would never give him a chance to play with it, so why bother. And thirdly (this is when the real soap boxing starts), our children, in our lovely AMERICAN society are far to "bought off" for their good. We are made to think that through, and only through, the purchase and giving of "things" is there a worthy show of love. I have obviously fallen into the trap else why would I be feeling guilty about not spending $100's of dollars on a child for their birthday. I'm hoping that when his birthday does come and I see that he DOES love his presents (despite the little amount of money spent on them), I will be able to put aside my concern about not being able to "buy" my child's affection and see that he loves me just the same.

(Exit soap box)

Thirdly, sometime it bothers me that I am so sensitive to things sometimes. The Lord knew I would be (amazing that He knows just how my brain is wired), and warned me about it long ago. Now granted, I have not always heeded his warning but I am trying really hard to. What this all means is that while other are allowed to enjoy certain types of entertainment, I am very limited by what I can handle without repercussions. Consequently, I miss out on some things that others really enjoy. I guess I really shouldn't complain, because it is kind of a blessing in some ways but.........how do I explain?.......okay, for instance, I started reading these really good books. Well written, tasteful, clean, and very entertaining. So, I whizz through the first book and start the second. Now, I did have a few questions about the way the first book made me feel (aka uncontrollable mood swings) but I couldn't put it down so.......I didn't. I started the second book and found myself very depressed and very irritable but I kept going and kept going until I realized what was happening. I put the book down and the feelings went away. So.....I started, yet again, another clean, happy, joyful Christian romance novel. It's crazy. Why aren't other people affected like I am? Millions of people, many of whom I love and respect (that includes the one who lent me the books.....you know who you are), rave about these books. So why can't I like them? Why me? Why me?

I guess I am destined to read Mormon and Christian romance novels, oh and a bit of Jane Austin, for the rest of my days. Same old, same old............

Well, enough of me today. Now that these things are off my shoulder hopefully I can pick up and move on. Long gone are the thoughts of yesterday.....I will look forward to tomorrow (or something like that).

Feel free to leave comments if you are flabbergasted by my bluntness. I don't know what got into me. Thanks for letting me get it out.

Wow...that was a long one.....and without any pictures. No fun. No fun at all.

A night out and Mountain High Mudd Pie...what more could you ask for?

I had a super good time with "the girls" the other night. We went to Red Robin and I had a very tasty (mmmmm tasty....slurp. I miss you Tessa) meal of some chicken, brushetta, pesto thing with yummy fries (I love fries) and to top it all of.....Mountain High Mudd Pie. Have you ever seen anything more beautiful in your entire lives? I must say......not many things can top it.

That sucker is HUGE! From top to bottom this thing is pure yummy-ness.

It doesn't take much time for me to finish it off and don't you dare even THINK about asking to share it with me. I don't take kindly to that (I did however spend more than 7 hours in the gym that week in order to justify it's consumption and have already spent 6 hours this week, with a 6 1/2 mile run planned for tomorrow, in order to take care of the aftermath). Let me tell you.....It is soooooooo worth it.

The food was great, the company was great (I met two fantastic new girls) and after dinner Val (center), Sheena (right of center) and I went to Val's house and stayed up really late chatting and giggling like I did with my girlfriends in high school/college. Good Times.....noodle salad! (Shout out to Stephanie, Tressa, Leslie and Jessica. Why don't we ever get together?)

If you are wondering about Rob. Yes....I did and often do leave him to feed, bathe and put the children to bed on such occasions but afterwards he gets a whole night of playing the X-box without me sitting at his side trying to "girl talk" him to death. I think he is more than happy to see me go every once in a while. Thanks honey, for being so supportive. I love you for it.

Girls......until next time.........

First-ling of our Flock

I have a green thumb. I know that most of you haven't ever seen it but ...... obviously it is there.


I planted my very first garden this year and look at it. There is nothing more exciting than checking on my "babies" every morning to see what kind of progress they are making.
I planted green beans, cucumber, and sunflowers from seed, green peppers, squash, zucchini, watermelon, a pumpkin plant (Gabe actually planted it on his last day of pre-school) and a tomato plant all from starts (I cheated a little because I got it in so late).


Here is the first-ling of our flock.

It was so exciting to cut it free from it's nurturing mother plant and into my hands. I carried it lovingly inside and washed it and took pictures of it (one would almost think that I cherished it as much as I would one of my own children....except that I cooked it up and ate it for dinner. I would NEVER do that to one of my own kids).

It was sooooo yummy. We can't wait for the rest of our garden to start producing (we have about 10 squash in various stages of growth.....Anyone want some squash?). Mom, I may just have to get Leslie's recipe for that super tasty veggie casserole she brought to the picnic on the 4th. Give her a heads up!

A girl named "Hot Chocolate"

As stressful as life has been lately, we have still found a few, yes...actually a few minutes, of pure joy and laughter. Today dawned cloudy and cool, which was such a nice break from the hot weather we have been having. I don't know about y'all but in our house cool weather means one thing.......break out the HOT CHOCOLATE!
As we prepared for FHE tonight (we are having it tonight because we missed it yesterday) we started talking about our FHE treat (grape popsicles....which actually would have been perfect yesterday because it was nice and HOT....oh well). The conversation went as follows:

Me: "Maybe we should have hot chocolate instead. It is too cold for popsicles."

Gabe: "MMMMmmmmmm. I LOVE HOT CHOCOLATE."

Rob: "Then why don't you marry it?" (really mature of Rob.....I know......he is SO mature)

Gabe: "NO!......We can't marry hot chocolate, Dad. You are just being silly."

Rob (under his breath directed to me): "Watch....he's is going to find some girl named "HOT CHOCOLATE and marry her."

For a second I laughed at his joke but then it hit me.......and it seemed to hit Rob at the same time because he looked up at me with a slightly alarmed look just as I said,

"Man, if Gabe brings home a girl named "HOT CHOCOLATE" we are likely to have a huge problem on our hands."

We had a good long laugh about that.

Cael......sigh......If you know him, that says enough!

So......this is how we found Cael in his bed last night, hours after we put him to bed. It takes him quite a while each night to wind down (Gabe is asleep long before him usually) and he always gets into one thing or another. He is a little naughty thing, he is.

Speaking of naughty, tonight I was downstairs on the computer, kind of like I am now, and Cael kept saying "poo poo," "Mommy, poo poo," at his door (which is not an unusual thing for him). I ignored him (which is not an unusual thing for me). A few minutes later he came down the stairs without his diaper on and claimed he wanted to sit on the potty. Frustrated as I was, I do not want to discourage him from using the potty (only having one child in diapers would sure be nice), so I followed him upstairs and put him on the potty. At that point, I could smell poo poo and figured he really was about to go. So I waited and waited.....nothing happened. He said he was all done. I went in search of his diaper so I could put it back on him. I went into his room and was full fledged hit in the face by the most rank smell ever. I frantically began searching for the source, fearing the worst. I tried to question Gabe to no avail. He had been reading a book and had not noticed a thing (which is not unusual for him....wow I use that phrase a lot). After a few minutes of searching (okay, probably only seconds but the unknown was killing me), I finally found it. Indeed, he had left a treasure in his diaper and had taken it off. It was sitting on the floor in his closet. So.....at that point, I yelled and screamed and pulled him off the toilet, laid him on the floor and continued my "no, no, no, no, no-we-never-do-that-Cael-broken-record-thing until I was satisfied that I had sufficiently drilled it into his head, put on a clean diaper and banished him to his bed. So.........how's that for preparing him for potty training!?! I guess it could have been a lot worse. He could have smeared it on the floor or the walls or his hands and I could have gotten a lot more angry (You never know what I might do when the sanitation of my home is compromised). I will tell you what, though, if any of my kids are going to do that, it's going to be Cael. Cael..........sigh...........deeper sigh......what am I going to do with him?

Another Cael funny.......or not so funny..............well actually quite funny if it wasn't me he said it to.

So yesterday we were sitting down to lunch and Cael, who was sitting next to me, kept poking my chest. Now, trying not to make a big deal out of it I ignore him at first. But....... Cael persisted until I couldn't take it any more. I said, "Cael, please stop that." He just smiled up at me and said, "Mommy.....dee dee (Cael's way of saying baby) in tummy?" To which I replied, "Well Cael, first of all, that is not Mommy's tummy." Pointing to my stomach I said, "This is Mommy's tummy and no....there is not a baby in it (What, does he think I fat or something?)." He smiled again and continued, alternating between poking my chest and stomach, "Mommy....dee dee in tummy?" Again I said, "No Cael...mommy does not have a baby in her tummy. Isaac is our baby and he is sitting right there (pointing at Isaac in his high chair)," to which Cael says, "No mom, dee dee in tummy!"
At this point I look at Rob a little panicked and think to myself............Does Cael know something I don't know?......but that's impossible......how?, how?, how? (Now don't think I am stupid....I do know how babies get into mommy's tummies). ATTENTION: THIS IS NOT AN ANNOUNCEMENT

My next thought was......well if Cael is wrong......and I hope he is.......Rob may just have to sleep on the couch until Isaac is much, much older and Rob is given the all clear to come within 10 feet of me. After all, we can't take any chances here people and abstinence is the only method that is 100% effective.
(Okay....so this is a little more personal then I tend to get in my blog. It is true that our personal life is just that.......personal...... and so I inform the reader that the end of this post was just a joke and that our "family planning" methods are kept between the two of us and certainly no one else's business. I was merely trying to be funny.....gosh....I do that sometimes).

So....in case you are wondering, I do not think Cael has any special insightful powers. If he proves me wrong, AGAIN....THIS IS NOT AN ANNOUNCEMENT.....but if he does prove me wrong.....I'm sure y'all will hear about it soon enough. It does have a bit of a Saturday's Warrior feel to it, does it not? Scary......I get nauseous just thinking about it (get it, morning sickness......he, he.....I am so funny). :)