I had a really nice day. Rob played "super dad" and took care of EVERYTHING! It was awesome. All I asked for was a nap after church. Turns out I didn't need one because Rob let me sleep in until 8:45AM. I don't remember the last time I felt so well rested. When I finally woke up I turned on some tunes by Hillary Weeks and heard the song "Who You Are" (here's a fun youtube version) which set a nice tone for the rest of the day. I was supposed to teach Gospel Doctrine but someone else prepared the lesson too and I didn't have to teach (Happy Mother's Day to me!). The kids were so darn cute (they each picked out a packet of flower seeds for me), and Roberto cooked some AMAZING pork chops for dinner (recipe here) AND cleaned up. It was just a really good day.
I couldn't help but compare it to Mother's Day 2 years ago.
Rob had just finished his Master's degree and we had attended his graduation the day before. He FINALLY had a job after 9 months of unemployment and we were moving, in just a matter of weeks, to our new home here in the Tri-Cities.
I should have been happy. I should have been ECSTATIC (Rob was)!
But I wasn't. I was so low. So utterly low.
I had hit rock bottom.
I was miserable...completely lost....without hope....and above all else, a HORRIBLE wife and mother. You know those commercials that say "depression doesn't just hurt you, it hurts everyone around you?" I used to balk at that. Until I realized for myself it was true.
My husband and children were suffering. I knew it was bad. I knew I was "ruining their lives" but I couldn't muster up enough "care" to do anything about it.
That particular mothers day, I remember crying all day at church (you know, because the celebrate wonderful women/mothers and I certainly was NOT one of those). I came home (or to Rob's parent's house because that is where we were living) and crying myself to sleep. I slept for hours and didn't even care that I wasn't spending the day with my children. It was horrible. Truly horrible.
I'm so thankful for a Father in Heaven who was watching out for me. He placed an amazing friend in my path who helped me finally accept what I was going through. She hounded me until I set an appointment with a doctor and checked up on me regularly, offering encouragement and support.
I'm so thankful for my BOYS! My husband and kids, who definitely saw the worst of it, have stuck with me "through thick and thin" and our relationships are now flourishing, in spite of all the havoc reaped on them. They are troopers. That's for certain. I couldn't have married a better man or been blessed with more resilient children (hopefully there will be not be any long lasting emotional scars).
My extended family was amazing too. Having no real idea of what was going on (I hid it SO well for so long), they have rallied around me and been a constant support through this recovery process.
I'm thankful for my wonderful doctors and counselor who have not only supported me "chemically" but have lent listening ears and given me tools of "cope" and hope
Depression is SO real. And it SOOOO stinks.
Despite what I thought, I could not have gotten here on my own. I needed help. It wasn't going to go away just because I wanted it to.
I thought I would never again feel the way I do.
I'm happy. I'm content with my life. There is hope for my future and the future of my family. I love and care about my husband and children again. I want to accomplish things again (Rob doesn't know what to do with me sometimes).
I still have "low" moments. I still have "upset and irritated" moments (I mean, really? I have 4 boys!). But for now the feeling of hopelessness, bleakness, blinding rage and anger are gone.
When people see me with my kids at the store they often ask, "How do you do it?" and I answer truthfully (laughing)...."I'm medicated." That usually makes them laugh too and I say...."No....really....I'm medicated."
And for now, I'm SO grateful for it.
How was your mother's day? Did you do anything fun?
10 comments:
Love ya mel! Happy Belated Mothers Day! I'm very glad you had a good day. Lessa and I have noticed a big difference each time we've visited. It's inspiring to see the change. You guys are awesome.
Super touching post Melanie! I love how open you are and I know that you do and will continue to make such a difference in the lives of others who suffer with depression.
You are an inspiration. Glad you had such a lovely Mother's Day!
I'm so glad you are happy and had a happy day! You deserve it. I love that last picture with you and the boys. It is so perfect!
It's so great to know you're doing and feeling so much better! I love you!
I love you, and I am so unbelievably happy to see you sooooo happy :)
You are beautiful Melanie! I love that smile! I'm so glad your doing so good! And I'm so glad you got help! It is such a real thing! (ps. My sis Cynthia is a wholistic herbologist and has done a lot of research on helping depression. Let me know if your interested ;)
I'm so glad too that you had such a good Mother's Day ;) Mine could have been better ;) But my Mom was here and Jer's Mom stopped by and I have amazing kids. Someday Jer will appreciate me! ;) Love you Mel!
Love that you aren't too proud to share what you've gone through. It's sad that most people suffer in silence. It's people like you who show that's it's nothing to be embarrassed about. I truly understand what you mean. I have gone through it as well. Never thought I would. I thought that I could fight off what many, many members of my family have suffered from. (sometimes family genes just plain suck!!)Oh, I how I wish it was that easy. Isn't it great when you start finding joy in the birds singing again. You are AWESOME Mel- for being open and honest about such a debilitating 'disease'/ Love ya!!
Oh, Melanie! You made me cry....I am soooo GLAD you are doing better! Your kiddos are so lucky to have you for their momma. You are doing a superb job, and I amazed at how well you manage them. Believe me I know how it is raising 4 crazy boys! :)
You are such a great mom! I am so glad to know you and to be friends with you. I am glad you got the help you needed when you did and that things are going so much better for you! Cute pictures!
Please keep my e-mail on your list: guitarchica26@gmail.com. I hear you on the depression bit. If I hadn't had the OB I did when I was preggo with the twins I wouldn't have found the help I didn't know I needed. I have also been so surprised at how many women are going through the same thing. It's nice to know we're not so alone. And thank goodness for available help.
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